I'm a creature of habit. I'm afraid of change. I do everything I can, with every fiber of my soul, to make sure I am always feeling a sense of security. I like adventure... sometimes I crave it. Life is for the taking. Life is also what you make of it.
They say monotony can kill you, and I firmly believe that. Even though I fear the curveballs life throws, I also have an intense anxiety of not experiencing enough or not allowing myself to squeeze so much out of life that I live almost with no regrets.
I've been on this roller-coaster of emotion since May. I've blogged about it, I've cried about it, I've laughed about it, and I've screamed about it. In all honesty, I know a lot of people are tired of hearing about it. But, I feel like I've come out of the tantrum and realized the purpose. It will be a great feeling of accomplishment when I get out of this alive, on the other side, and see that I was put in a situation like this to test my ability, yet again, to overcome adversity. What are you going to do when the answer isn't written on the wall for you? Were you able to find yourself?
A time like this could be written under the phrases "self-discovery", "finding oneself", or "learning what really matters". I mean, at what point in anyone's life do they come to a time where they suddenly have to search so deep down within themselves to see what they want out of life? The opportunity to write your own story without any hesitation.. no concern for things like money, livelihood, or success.
You pick a career when you're 17, you go to college, and you hope to get a job in said career. You finally get that job, you go to work with the best of them, and you come home. You do it every waking day (minus the weekends), and eventually you're 5 years in and you think to yourself, "is this it?". Then you do the whole 'mid-twenties' thing and start questioning, "there's gotta be more to life." You have thoughts like, "I've gotta do this until I'm how old?" "You mean there is no summer break?" "I only get how many days of paid time off?" "Can I even afford that vacation?" "Is that my internal clock knocking?" and if you're a woman you're most likely thinking gloriously toward the only long period of time off you can expect, a maternity leave.
Well, I've been there. I've thought all of those ridiculous but frighteningly accurate things at 24. Only 3 whole years out of college! Ridic. So, now 5 years later, why in the *bleep* am I questioning this 'hiatus'?
Well, I'm not anymore. What I am questioning though is what are the next steps that I take to make me happy and fulfilled as a person? Because really, at the end of the day that's all that really matters. You wake, eat, sleep, breathe and all that in between stuff is what you make it. It's the stuff you want to take with you when you're 85, over the rainbow. Most days can't be all unforgettable. There's gotta be filler, right? Kind of like rolls before dinner. (They are pretty great though, too.) My philosophy now is that if you do at least 1 thing every day that puts a smile on your face, then those filler days can be worth it, too. Staying in bed that extra hour to read a great book, getting the urge to do that DIY craft you've been seeing online, walking around Target aimlessly (I'll admit, guilty pleasure) like you have nowhere to be, running as the sun sets (or maybe just sprinting and holding your stitch the rest of the way home), going through old photo albums, planning a great trip, buying your favorite piece of candy, or eating all of the pickles left in the pickle jar. Whether you're working all day or not, all of these things can be done to differentiate each day from the last - to get rid of the mundane, to forget about the to-do list, and to switch up that god awful schedule that just tick-tock's in your face the minute the alarm rings in the morning.
I had a light-bulb moment a few weeks ago, on what I thought the next year could be for me. After a few days of tossing around some ideas and talking to myself like a crazy lady, I grabbed a pen and tore off a piece of paper from my notepad to jot down what is now known as my "Top 10 goals for 2013". I'm one of those people that have to set something in order to accomplish it. You tell me, I do it. I tell me, I do it. The weakness in all that is I can't just wing it. I have to have had a well-rounded thought around doing it. I know, lame. I hope to be able to proudly publicly debut my list once more than half of the items on it are accomplished. The more important aspect of this is that I feel like I have a purpose. I have goals to attain, and when I reach the end of my list, I can have the feeling of accomplishment that I have been looking for. Here's to 2013 and the moment Adrianne stops her whining! just kidding, it's ok I know you're not.
